Five Key Steps to Avoid Raising Entitled Kids

Mrs. Dahra Williams

Entitlement is a phenomenon that has become increasingly prevalent. So much of our children’s lives are fast-paced with a “here and now” mentality. Many subtle messages in our society today promote impatience, give kids an expectant mentality, and a general inability to tolerate any kind of distress. 

Recently, I have been thinking about "on-demand” shows where our children have everything at their fingertips and never have to wait for anything (e.g., wait for the commercial break to be done or for your favorite show to return next week). Children who grow up feeling entitled often believe that they are owed things without having to work for them. They may expect special treatment, privileges, or rewards without putting forth the effort to earn them. This can lead to problems in their adult lives, as entitlement can hinder the ability to develop healthy relationships, succeed in the workplace, and be self-sufficient.

As a consulting psychologist working with school-age children, I see behaviors and attitudes all along the entitlement spectrum. While there are always a few children who feel the world owes them, many are more grounded, thanks to the intention with which their parents work to prevent entitlement. I am also a parent, and in my heart, I want to give my children everything they desire to be happy. But, I know that is counterproductive, shortsighted, and just wrong. The struggle is real!

Here are five guidelines to help you raise more resilient, self-motivated, and less entitled children.

• Avoid overindulgence: Understand the difference between meeting your children's needs and indulging their wants. Providing too much of everything too soon can make children feel entitled and take things for granted. Instead, you can teach your children to appreciate what they have and to work hard for what they want.
   
• Teach gratitude: Help children develop a sense of gratitude by encouraging them to appreciate what they have. Think about all the times you have gone into a bank or a supermarket and have been offered candy or stickers. There are many places that kids go where they get something for simply being there. This can be as simple as asking them to say thank you when they receive a gift or compliment or making it a habit to reflect on the good things in their lives. Have your children hand write thank you notes for example. This gives them the opportunity to reflect on the generosity of others.
   
• Avoid excessive rewarding: While rewards, in general, can be a useful behavioral strategy, we should avoid using material rewards as a way to motivate children. Instead, encourage your child to develop intrinsic motivation by setting goals and working hard to achieve them. This can help them develop a sense of pride and accomplishment. If rewards are used, try to make them small but meaningful and based on non-material things.
   
• Set and keep boundaries: Children who grow up without boundaries often have a sense of entitlement. Set clear rules and consequences for your child’s behavior. Research tells us that the parenting style associated with the best outcomes is the “authoritative” style. With this approach, parents are warm and loving, while being clear with expectations, firm with boundaries, and consistent with consequences. This can help them learn to respect authority and understand they are not entitled to do whatever they want.
   
• Encourage responsibility: Help children develop a sense of responsibility by assigning them age-appropriate tasks, such as cleaning their room or washing dishes. We have to encourage our children to work through the struggle in order to reap the rewards. It might be tough in the short term, with a few grumbles and unhappy responses, but in the long run, we will be helping our children increase patience and perseverance, and bolster a strong work ethic.

Children are always watching and learning from their parents. Research shows that one effective way to avoid entitlement in children is for parents to model the behavior they want to see in their children. This means being respectful, responsible, and grateful in your own life and taking time to appreciate the small things, work hard at goals, and model the satisfaction of a job well done.

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